Our goal as parents is to raise responsible, self-sufficient, young people who have self-control. Those who will do the right thing even when no one is watching. We shape our children from the day they are born. We give them the security that comes from love and the ability to navigate the world that comes from guidance. When we discipline wisely, our children thrive.
A key to understand how best to discipline begins with the word “discipline” itself. Discipline means “to teach” or “to guide.” Effective discipline allows children to learn how to control their actions and to develop the motivation to do the right thing.
But discipline is not about controlling children. When we make commands from a top-down approach — “You’ll do as I say! Because I said so!” — they might do as we ask in the short term but they will not learn long-term lessons. When we punish out of anger, they rebel against us when we are not looking.
We must partner with our tweens and teens to strategize how best to support them to grow. Together, we can develop a step-by-step plan that protects their safety and develops their growing sense of morality. By doing so, discipline will be easier, your relationship will strengthen, and your teen will appreciate being a part of the process. It’s never too late to start this strategy, but you may find it most effective to begin during the tween years (9-12) — when our children will be thrilled with recognition of their growing maturity.
Developing a plan together helps them understand exactly why our rules are in place. It also shows them that we respect their need for growth. Too often, during the teen years, we tend to focus on the negatives and we get into unhealthy habits such as nagging and threats. Having a clear plan is a good way of avoiding poor communication cycles.
Developing a plan may happen best when you meet as a family. These meetings can be in person or online. This approach brings people together even when separated by distance.
Make it clear to your teens that you want to work together to build a plan that allows them to grow and gain more responsibilities. Approaching the discussion in this way may encourage teens to come to the table with an open mind. Meeting regularly allows for opportunities to talk about other issues that will strengthen your family.
Consider scheduling regular meetings every 3 months. This gives ample time for adolescents to take action and demonstrate growing maturity and responsibility. It allows them to show they are ready for expanded privileges.
This process is a wonderful way to support your adolescent’s ability to speak up for themselves. They’ll want to let you know what privileges they are ready for. But they must learn to thoughtfully consider what they can really handle and be reasonable in their requests. Let them know you’ll only agree to reasonable requests and that their best bet is to put forward a plan they can successfully follow through with. If they hold up their end of deal, they’ll know that they can gain more privileges. If they do poorly, they’ll know that they will lose privileges until they can prove themselves.
Our Youth Advisory Board board has developed a prep sheet for teens — share it with your teen to help prepare them for these important conversations!
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Sample Teen Behavior ContractA sample agreement allowing for effective discipline and teen growth.
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Blank Teen Behavior ContractA blank agreement for parents and teens to fill out together.
The plan works best when teens select privileges they can handle. When they can easily live up to expectations. But they can also learn a lot if they’ve overreached. When they hear all that they need to do to maintain that privilege, they are forced to think hard about whether or not they are ready for it.
Remind your teens that when they demonstrate responsible behavior for 3 months you will revisit the contract and they will have an opportunity to ask for privileges to expand. This reinforces that there is a real benefit to following through on commitments.
Sometimes, there are the really serious problems like when one of your absolute rules is broken. In those cases, you jump in following all of your protective instincts to ensure your child is safe. You might find this piece with hints about when to jump in helpful under these challenging circumstances.
But many more cases will involve minor problems that stem from oversights or overreaching. For example, they might have come home twenty minutes late without having called with a reasonable excuse. You choose to revoke that privilege for a period of time until they demonstrate responsibility long enough to earn it back. You return curfew back to a time they successfully handled: “You did really well with an 8:45 pm curfew, so you’re back to that for 3 months.” Adjust the length of the consequence depending on how close you are to the next contract cycle and your child’s prior behavior.
This feels different than a punishment. Punishments, like grounding, make sense only if you can make a case that real dangers exist. Grounding for two weeks for being an hour late won’t make sense to teens. They’ll feel punished and controlled and won’t learn anything, so real discipline hasn’t occurred. On the other hand, consequences directly tied to their behavior do make sense. Allowing them to return to a place where they demonstrated responsible behavior helps them to understand they are in control of their lives. They learn that their actions have consequences.
You know best where to create boundaries or what privileges your child is ready for. All young people must expand privileges over time as a successful strategy to ensure healthy development. Our boundaries must reflect safety and morality. Safety is different for everyone. It must take into account the neighborhood, peer group, and family circumstances. Similarly, individual differences must be considered. Thoughtfulness, impulse control, and likelihood to avoid unhealthy influences make a difference to how closely we monitor. In all cases, we parent with a reign in each hand. One loosens to allow our children to grow, one is ready to be tightened in case you need to draw them back from danger.
There’s always a chance your teens will fail at times. Having an agreed-upon plan for how to help them recover and restore their journey towards responsibility will make your job easier. They will know exactly what they need to do and what you expect of them. Discipline is a necessary and challenging part of parenting. The effort put into building a contract helps you effectively guide your child.
